The other day I found a card from an ex from when I was in my 20's. It was a birthday card. A birthday card he had given me after we broke up and when I read it he made mention of wanting to work on our relationship because I was his best friend. It was really weird because a few years ago I had thrown away all things from exes but that card somehow slipped through the cracks; perhaps for such a time as this.
Now, flashback to four or five months ago, my most recent ex also said...I was still his closest and best friend (among other things) despite our relationship ending. I don't think he liked my reply because I haven't heard from him since. No shade no tea; ya'll have never heard me speak an ill word of him since our break up, it just is what it is - c'est la vie!
But the other day when I found the card it got me to thinking about myself and what it is about me that makes my exes regret our break up but not appreciate me fully while in the relationship; they're not the only two that have expressed these types of sentiments. I know I'm not the only person this happens to and I'm sure there are men who's exes caught a case of the vapors as well.
It just seems like when I no longer care is when they care the most but what is it about the human species that plays those types of games? Is it fear or is it just plain ole immaturity? Welp, I have a pretty good relationship with men I've dated, so I asked somebody and this was his response: "You go hard for your man and there was never any doubt that you had my back. But once you're done, you're done and I remember you saying you do that but I didn't believe it. So I guess you can say I took you for granted. You go from 1000 to 0 and we feel that *ish*." What he meant by "you do that" is, I tell guys I'm dating that I have an off switch and once I flick that switch it doesn't come back on. Which is why I give grace for a man I care about to get it together but once I'm over it, I. AM. OVER. IT. and there's nothing to be done to bring me back. But I guess like women believing they can change a man, they think they'll be the special one to turn my heart switch back on - but it ain't happened yet, so... *lé shrug*.
Anywho I was sitting there thinking *insert megaphone emoji* that still doesn't explain why it's so hard for my feelings and emotions to line up with a man I am dating. *puts megaphone down* Like, I get the fact that they think I'll be there forever and they believe that my devotion to them will never cease...and then *lightbulb* I heard the Lord loud and clear "You keep choosing men that are emotionally unavailable to you because you see the good in them and their potential". So basically they need to do the internal work in order to be spiritually, emotionally and mentally available or in other words, have spiritual, emotional and mental maturity. I literally rolled my eyes because I am tired of dating men in their 30's and 40's who have never done the work on their inner-self. I go to therapy (well I was, I need a new therapist) but I was going to therapy so I need someone who does too and who believes in going. I don't care how well or how terrible life has been, everyone needs to go to therapy, everyone has work to do to heal trauma from their past. Whether it be a horrible childhood or a string of toxic relationships - something on the inside of all of us needs to be healed.
One of my mentors told me that because I've done so much work on making my insides better I want everyone else to "get it" so bad - but I can't do it for them; it's something that they have to do on their own. But it's true, I'm like yo, if you just did xyz then you'd be here and it pains me when they don't take my advice, lol.
But at the end of the day women want protectors, providers - a man who will love and cover them. And men need helpmeets cause...they just do.
So bruh, don't wait until the woman you love doesn't care anymore. Because no matter how much she loves you, once she doesn't like you or your presence isn't essential, or you are no longer her place of comfort there's no turning back. When you're no longer the first person she wants to call when things go terribly well or horribly bad it's a wrap for you, bro. And once she's moved on she doesn't want hear "that was supposed to be me" when she's getting ready to walk down the aisle to meet her groom. *cue Mya*
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